Joke of the Day

[72Chero]

After every flight, Qantas (Australia's major airline) pilots fill
out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about
problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the
problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be
said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some
actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an
S) by maintenance engineers.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Auto-pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a
midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.




:rolleyes: Aren't you glad we drive cars and fix our own?

[Duster_340]

lol good stuff. Especially the tire and cat ones.

[72Chero]

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my
three year old daughter was having
a wonderful time playing on the bed. At
one point she said, "Daddy, look at
this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached
out and stuck her tiny fingers in
my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your
fingers," pretending to eat them.
Went back to packing, looked up again and
my daughter was standing on the bed
staring at her fingers with a devastated
look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my
booger?"

[dseale4888]

I can just picture my youngest grand daughter saying that.
Dave

[PaPa Mike]

These are just too good, had to copy them to email to some friends

[72Chero]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...


1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list o f 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they
don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone
is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you
turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
: )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

[PaPa Mike]

Done all that :eek: :cool: :D :p

[72Chero]

Last night,Trudy and I were sitting in the living room, and, I said
to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent upon some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."


She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.

[Duster_340]

One night I dreamed I was eating a mash mellow, I woke up, my pillow was gone.

[72Chero]

Never heard it put quite that way LOL :D :D :D

[72Chero]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without
water.

His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand,
certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees
an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks
to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no
ordinary genie.

She is wearing an FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a
dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil
tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work... You have three
wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy... "I'm not going to trust a
FEMA genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like
you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right.

"OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and
he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says..."I wish that no matter
where I go, beautiful women will want and need me. "

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string
attached.

[72Chero]

Where do Words go when they Retire?

What a great blast from the past! I haven't thought about "fender skirts" in years. When I was a kid, I considered it such a funny term...Made me think of a car in a dress. Thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.?

Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."
I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-boug ht these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "worldwide" for granted.
This floors me. On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply "expecting."
Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now. Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.
It's hard to recall that this word was once said in a whisper -"divorce." And no one is called a"divorcee" anymore. Certainly not a "gay divorcee." Come to think of it, "confirmed bachelors"and "caree r girls" are long gone, too.
I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered"movie" an affectation.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, and before, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffeemaker." How dull. Mr.Coffee, I blame you for this. I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux."
Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"
Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening their kids with castor oil anymore.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. ?The one that grieves me most - "supper.Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.

[PaPa Mike]

72Chero, I resemble all those remarks, so I guess I'm telling you my age.

[74runner]

Flying bowtie put this on the other site I go to, and I think it fits just right here too


This would be funny if it wasn't so darned true !!!


1973 vs. 2006

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun
rack.

1973 - Vice principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle,
goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to
jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for
traumatized students and teachers.
++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.
Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by
principal. Sits still in class.

2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie.
School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his dad
gives him a whipping.

1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to
college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care
and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she
remembers being abused herself and Dad goes to prison.
Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to
school.

1973 - Mark shares headache medicine with principal out on the
smoking dock.

2006 - Police called; Mark expelled from school for drug
violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1973 - Five high school boys leave town. Mary does her senior year
at a special school for expectant mothers.

2006 - High school counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU
Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her
parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be
more careful next time.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, and goes to college.

2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party.Newspaper
articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement
for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against
state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from
core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for
a living because he can't speak English.
+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of
July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, and blows up a red ant bed.

1973 - Ants die.

2006 - ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with
domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home,
computers confiscated, Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never
allowed to fly again.
+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his
knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1973 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.
She faces 3 years in State Prison.

[PaPa Mike]

These are too true to be funny,:( :mad: :eek:

[72Chero]

:D Pecans in the Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree
just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the
tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed,
he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down
to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One
for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard!
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me.."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's
see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still
unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought
iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a
glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's
go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of
the kid on the bike.

[PaPa Mike]

Sounds like that old man got motivated

[72Chero]

Why, Why, Why

Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattr esses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "T hat hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......




The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[72Chero]

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

[72Chero]

Cute - enjoy.....

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."
The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"
The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that." The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president."
The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."
The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"
The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"

[72Chero]

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
3. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
4. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face
when you open your oven door.
5. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it
will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus
Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
2. You think Central Park is "nature ,"
3. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language
makes you multi-lingual.
4. You've worn out a car horn.
5. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty, Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

Wherever you go, there's no place like home.

[74runner]

wow, I never noticed how much Canada is like Maine.....WAIT you stole that from us!!!!!!!!

[Dover78]

A Texan, a Canadian and a guy from Michigan are all riding horses through the desert. After a while the Texan pulls out a bottle of whiskey and takes a few slugs. Then throws the bottle in the air, takes out his pistol and shoot the bottle. "What the Hell did you do that for, that was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey", says the guy from Michigan. To which the Texan replies, "In Texas theres plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap." A while later the Canadian pulls out an expensive bottle of champagne and takes a couple sips from it. Then he throws the bottle in the air, takes out his gun, and shoots the bottle. "What are you doing, that was an expensive bottle of champagne?" "In Canada theres plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap" replies the Canadian. A little while later the guy from Michigan takes out a bottle of beer and takes a few gulps out of it, then a few more. Then he chugs the rest, puts the bottle in his saddle bag, takes out his gun, and shoots the Canadian. "What the hell did you shoot him for" asks the Texan. To which the guy from Michigan replies "In Michigan theres plenty of Canadians but bottles are worth a dime."

[bmd2005]

q: what is the difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut?

a: about 2 weeks

[72Chero]

funny stuff guys....keep them coming... :D :D :D

[Duster_340]

all my jokes are inapproproit, so I'll just show some funny pics of animals that made me giggle.
http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l16/Meep_87/hasakarotlm4.jpg
http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l16/Meep_87/bunny_pancake-1.jpg
http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l16/Meep_87/crom.jpg
http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l16/Meep_87/localwildlifechipmunk1oz6.jpg
http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l16/Meep_87/spy.jpg
http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l16/Meep_87/trash.jpg

[47Chevgirl]

Those headless drivers are everywhere.
"Winter, almost winter, oh heck its STILL winter and construction?"
Isn't that anywhere north of 49th?
I keep my hopes up by remembering that 10 months of winter will end soon to be replaced by 2 months of bad skiing!
Thanks for the giggles.
Pen

[74runner]

Those headless drivers are everywhere.
"Winter, almost winter, oh heck its STILL winter and construction?"
Isn't that anywhere north of 49th?
I keep my hopes up by remembering that 10 months of winter will end soon to be replaced by 2 months of bad skiing!
Thanks for the giggles.
Pen
yep....she's from Alberta:D